My hands still smell like suspension fluid.

Returning to a bike related post and something not as snarky as my last one (which according to my wife was NOT funny, but just mean. I might want to disagree, but she's usually right and I'm usually dumb...).

In addition to my excellent bike riding skills (HA), I've always prided myself in my bike mechanic skills. I tore my first bike hub apart at age 11 or so, not knowing what the hell I was doing and been at it ever since. Fucking up a bike part will teach you REALLY quick how to not do it.

I've taught myself or learned just about everything there is to do on a bike, from building wheels to rebuilding suspension parts. I did this for three reasons. One, I never wanted to pay the "shop rate" for repairs. Yep, I am cheap, but I guess that's how I can pay for expensive bike parts. Two, I don't trust a lot of people to do the work properly (this is my problem). Actually, when you go to a shop, there are a few that you really know and trust and if they were the ones working on your bike, that'd be OK, but usually that trusted person takes your beloved and hands it off to some teenager that is in his first week on the job. No thanks. Third, and most importantly, I am REALLY impatient when it comes to getting stuff fixed. If you remember back, this might not be compatible with my ability to PROcrastinate, but they're not necessarily mutually exclusive. Once I hand off a bike or part to someone, I'm wondering when it will be done on my way out of the shop.

SO, with our pending trip less than a week away, I needed to get some annual bike maintenance done. I rebuilt the rear shock over the weekend and last night I rebuilt the fork. I started at 8 pm, keeping with my ability to procrastinate. The best part of doing it at night is if I have any problems and I need to buy an additional part, I can't. Which is awesome as I'll obsess over it, think about it all night long and sleep like shit. But, I didn't have any issues and as I type this I can peer over and see my bike, reassembled and looking good, on the rack in my basement shop.

Everything on my bike is now ready for the trip. I'll take her out for one last ride tonight, making sure everything is working properly, wash it up and have it ready for Moab. I just hope that when I'm flying down a trail in Moab, my fork doesn't explode.

Just Say NO!

All right, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective) today's post has nothing to do with cycling, other than the fact that these crazy assed people could run a cyclist over in their rolling pet carrier.

First, at what point in your life does a person decide that they need to get a dog that isn't much bigger than a rat and take said canine with them everywhere they go? Dogs should NOT be smaller than a cat and there are place where these rats should NOT go. Right now, the dog we have is the smallest we've ever had and she's almost 60 lbs. And I realize size isn't everything, but c'mon, I don't dig those kick-dogs.

Second, why do these people think they can be top secret and sneak these stupid dogs into the grocery store with them? They put them in a little bag and put them in the cart like no one would notice. Then, they act all indignant and hurt when you approach them and say that you can't have a dog in the store due to health code reasons. These same old ladies (and weird old gay dudes) are the first to bitch when a child gets a tiny bit out of control in a store, yet here they are with a dog, whose feet have stomped through its own shit, now wiping that shit off in a shopping cart where I am gonna put my food. Why do they do this? I should borrow my friends Great Dane and cruise through the store with that son-of-a-bitch in the cart, head about 7' in the air, barking at people and shitting its dinosaur sized shits all over the store, see how those old ladies like it.

Third, and most importantly, why do so many of these micro-dog people insist on driving around the world with this stupid dog on their lap? Yesterday on my way home for lunch, I was behind a lady THAT LIVES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD going about 3 m.p.h. with her fucking dog on her lap. It wasn't like she was new to the neighborhood and was driving around looking for a particular address, she lives here. And I KNOW she was going slow because she was French-kissing that damned little shit-eating rat.

What I've always wanted to see happen to these lap-dog-drivers is a low speed front end impact. Have the airbag go off. Permanently imbed the rat into their chest so they ALWAYS can have their dog with them. I just don't get it. When does this whole phenomenon happen? When does a person decide those little dogs are cool (news flash, they're not. They've jumped the shark. Just think about it, Paris Hilton likes 'em, that should say it all) and when did they decide that everyone in the world wants to see this dog? I love dogs. I don't trust people that don't like dogs. But dogs don't belong in a shopping cart or a bag or on someone's lap in a car. Dogs belong outside or sleeping on their back on the couch or in their own seat in the car with their head hanging out the window, slobber running down the side of your freshly washed car.

Actually, there is only ONE time (OK, maybe two times) when those little rats are cool. First, my neighbor has about 200 of those little things. I was out mowing the lawn one day and they were all at the fence barking at me, at other people walking by, and at leaves blowing across the yard. The oldest kid in the house (a teenager...perfect age for embarrassment) comes out to stop them from barking. They got so worked up into a frenzy that they all mounted each other ALL IN A LINE and started humping each other. AWESOME! The kid got super embarrassed, especially when I made some sort of train-fuck comment. Second, while I think it is highly unfortunate for the dog, but damn it's funny, I've heard of multiple times of these dogs cruising around in their back yards and a hawk/eagle/owl/crazed pigeon swooping down and snatching these dogs for that night's dinner. Completely messed up and hilarious all at the same time.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled cycling blog. Please check back soon for actual cycling related content.

The Real Reason I'm Almost Serious About Cycling This Year

Well, as I spoke about in my last post, we (Teamfubar, which includes me) are doing the 24 Hours of Moab again this year after a 10 year hiatus. Whether I want to or not, it is coming and it will be coming quicker than I want. All the training, there I said it, I've been training. Yes, after all the bellyaching I've done about friends training and taking their cycling so damn seriously, I'm now training. Though I assure you, if our "club" goes out for a mountain bike ride, I won't skip it because I have to go for a long road training ride. Riding is riding and having fun on your bike is the real reason we do this anyhow.

Whew, coming back from that tangent...you'd think all the training I've been doing has everything to do with the 24 HoM. You'd think that, but you'd be wrong. And you'd think that all the training I've been doing was to be able to hang with the jackrabbits I've been riding with, but again, you'd be wrong. And you might think I've been training to do better in the Dakota Five-O this year, but once again, you'd be wrong. And sure all the training will help me with all that stuff, but it isn't the real reason I've been training.

Here's the real reason. The 6 or so of you that regularly read this blog might remember our trip to Curt Gowdy State Park in Wyoming. When we were there, we ate dinner in Laramie. Before our dinner, we went to Mulligan's which is a bar in Laramie that my aunt and uncle own. We started drinking beers there, getting fairly well oiled up before going to dinner at Applebee's and drinking more there, so I do realize a lot of what was said that evening was alcohol fueled. We were in the bar, sitting around a long table, so there were multiple conversations going on. I was sitting next to my aunt, who I was speaking to most of the night, and Bob, one of our Teamfubar members. At some point during the evening, Bob was talking to Nick, the young triathlete and Greg, the wild Aussie/South African/Brit, when I heard Bob say "This mutha-fucker could kick everyone's ass at this table back in the day" (or something to that effect) and pointing at me.

I realized, yup, I used to be one of the fastest in the group. I used to be able to throw down with anyone on a bike and now I can't. And while I don't care that I don't anymore, I don't really like that I can't. And realistically, I know I probably won't be able to throw down like I used to, I want to be able to feel good about my efforts, which I didn't last year. And after yesterday's group road ride, I am getting closer. When we got done, guys that were stomping me into the ground last year were hurting and I wasn't. Yup, definitely getting closer.

There is NO turning back now...

Well, it's official...we're doing the 24 Hours of Moab. I submitted our application and paid this week. And now I'm scared to death.

You see, I haven't done the 24 HoM in 10 years. TEN YEARS. I was much younger, better looking, in better shape and WAY faster back then.

Oh sure, I've muddled through the Dakota Five-O a couple times, but for the most part, I haven't done a race, much less ride my bike nearly enough to do the 24 HoM. I now face the reality of racing this in October and I don't think I have enough time to train for it, which is why I am scared.

Could I go and do the race now? Sure I could. I could also punch myself in the nuts repeatedly about 700 times and get the same result. Thing is, I don't want to. I don't want to just suffer through the race, although no matter your shape, you will suffer. I want to be able to hang. I want to be able to have fun. I want to be able to have my team be happy with my performance.

When I signed the team up this last week, the website had about 250 warnings saying that it was final and no refunds were to be given. Maybe that is why I got nervous about where I am at right now. I know it is irrational and in a week or two I'll be OK with it and be rarin' to go.

I'd better go upstairs now and eat some Easter candy...

Screw that bastard Tony Kornholer

OK. I am REALLY pissed off this morning. For those that may or may not know, last week that fucker, Tony Kornheiser, said more or less to run cyclists down with their cars. He also made fun of cyclist attire (yeah, because baseball, football or basketball player's uniforms look so fuckin' cool.) I sent a few e-mails to ESPN and here is how it went.

Here's my first e-mail, limited to 450 characters on their website.

I would like to know the action ESPN is going to take regarding Mr. Kornheiser's comments last week about encouraging motorists hitting cyclists with their cars. When he made comments regarding Ms. Storm's outfit, he was suspended. Now he has gone too far in the recommendation of running people on bicycles over with their automobiles because he doesn't like them.

I sincerely hope you do something about Mr. Kornheiser. People's lives are at stake.

And, here's the response I got.

Thank you for contacting ESPN and giving us an opportunity to respond, though it should be noted that Tony made these comments on a local radio station that is not owned or operated by ESPN. Yesterday, Tony spoke with cyclist Lance Armstrong privately and apologized for his comments. Lance appeared on Tony's radio show today to talk about it. You can listen to the interview at the station's website: http://www.espn980.com/.

Sincerely,

Juan
ESPN Viewer Response

Here is my last response, dripping with sarcasm. I am sure this response will get Tony Kornholer fired or at least suspended. Juan, Thank you for responding. I guess because he did this outside of ESPN's control, it is OK to tell people in 2 ton cars to run cyclists on 25 lb. bikes. I think I remember Michael Irvin being fired from ESPN for being inappropriate on his own time, but he was only endangering himself, not thousands of viewers. I suppose if Mr. Kornheiser said run football, baseball, or basketball players over something would have happened, as those are your core audience. Cyclists don't watch ESPN so it is OK to just pretend it didn't happen. Oh, I forgot, he apologized to Lance Armstrong. I guess we're even. HIghly disappointing to say the least. Fuck Tony Kornholer. Fuck ESPN. I need all 5 readers of this blog to flood ESPN's offices with e-mails demanding his resignation (or suspension at least). These douche bags that have nationally syndicated radio shows, whether it be Rush Limbaugh telling us how to deal with the drug problem while popping illegal Oxycontin, Don Imus calling a college women's basketball team "nappy-headed 'hos" or this Tony Kornholer, have lost their touch with reality and don't understand the power of their comments. Suppose they have 1,000,000 listeners. If even 0.1% of their audience acts upon their comments, we'll have 100 cyclists mowed down in the streets. Even 1 is too much. Thank you for listening to my rant. We now return you to your regular scheduled nonsense...

Excuses are like assholes...

We cyclists are great at making excuses about our performances. We love do it way before there is ever even a problem. I remember back when I was racing mountain bikes a lot, before a race would start, you hear all over the place "Yeah, I'm not feelin' well." "I threw up this morning." "I was out all night partying." "I haven't ridden in a month." etc. This way, if that person did poorly in the race, you'd know why, but if they did well...well, you'd be impressed that they overcame their adversity, how ever phony it sounded.

Now, I realize some of those people were telling the truth, but it was easy to lump everyone together. I have prided myself in only saying anything like that if it were absolutely true. Hell, before any race, I never felt good. I felt like I was gonna throw up. That is all part of the nerves before a race and your body knowing what it was about to go through. That is why when I used an excuse yesterday, I felt like a dumbass.

Yesterday, I planned out a ride with the Prince and the Triathlete. We're finally seeing some Spring around here, and the trails are mostly dry and rideable here in Rapid City, and it was time to get out on the bikes. Long story short, the Prince and I rolled up M-Hill hoping to meet the Triathlete and his couple of riding partners.

The trail starts out fairly unmercifully, shooting up about 6 or 7 switchbacks. It is a fairly tough way to start out, but once to the top of those first switchbacks, it kinda levels out for a while. At least levels out enough to recover slightly and get your heart-rate and breathing under control before shooting back up more switchbacks to the top.

So, about on the 4th or 5th switchback, I was wonder what the hell was wrong with me. My legs hurt, which was fairly normal, but I was having acid reflux like a mother-fucker. But, I didn't want to stop, so we kept trudging along. I thought after we got to the level spot, I'd feel better and we'd make it up to the top.

Finally on the second set of switchbacks, I couldn't take it anymore and I had to stop. My entire chest felt like it was on fire. I stopped and told the Prince "I don't know what's wrong, but my gut is on fire. It must of been my lunch." I know he believed me, but I didn't believe me. But now the deed was done. My excuse had been thrown out of my mouth like a Jersey Boy throwing a Quarter Pounder with Cheese wrapper out the window of his IROC.

I have done so much work this year getting ready for the riding season, I couldn't believe I used an excuse, much less needed one, so early in the season even though it was true. I didn't want to use an excuse. But as I sit here and type this out, I am hacking up something that shouldn't be inside a person's body, much less their lungs. I think at some point I breathed in the acid boiling up my esophagus so I couldn't stop coughing after the ride, which is why I'm hacking shit up.

The nice thing is I have this blog to reaffirm my excuse, giving credibility to my excuse. The Prince and I are going to ride again this week. I just hope that the next time we ride together, I can just use my normal excuse; "I'm a pussy."

I've tasted the sweet nectar and now I don't wanna go back...

I've almost completed 10 weeks of roller training. As a matter of fact, after this morning's workout, I'll be starting a new phase of my training. Currently, I am riding the rollers of inconvenience 3 mornings per week and lifting weights 3 days per week. After today, I'll be increasing the rollers/riding workouts to 4 days per week and decreasing the weights to 2 days.

What the hell does this have to do with a man eating corn (which may or may not have been me in December)? Let me explain...

We all know that one kid growing up that was smothered by their parents' insecurities. The kid that didn't get sugar ('cause it's bad for you). The kid that didn't get to shoot a bb gun (you'll shoot your eye out). The kid that could only watch G rated movies (if you see a boobie or hear a bad word, you'll be a bad kid). Then there was the coup-de-grace kid, the one that couldn't do any of those things (I don't care if other kids are having fun being kids, you won't go to heaven if you do any of those things). These kids basically had no freedoms and if they deviated from this ultra-straight arrow lifestyle, there were severe repercussions from their parents.

Then, after they moved out of the house as a late teen/early adult, they go absolutely fuckin' ape-shit. The kid with no sugar? Yup, Little Debbie snack cakes with maple syrup on top, chased down by a Jolt Cola every night for dinner. The bb gun kid? Has gone completely David Koresh/Waco Texas, has a whole arsenal in his house, a bus bunker buried in his back yard. The G rated movie kid? All he watches is Forest Hump, Titty-Titty-Bang-Bang or Shaving Ryan's Privates (which are all 50% off next door to where I work, but that is a different story).

And the kid that didn't get to do any of those things? Well, that's my theory of why those extreme muslims blow shit up and hate Americans. I'd bet the Amish would do the same thing, but all they could do is throw boards at us, which we can protect ourselves from easily. Actually, have you ever seen the Amish Gone Wild? They get one year of life out in the "real" world when they turn 18 and go completely out of their mind. Fuckin', drinking, drugs, etc. every night. It's truly wild.

So what does this have to do with riding bikes? I've been riding indoors basically for 10 weeks. Last weekend I got to ride outside two days in a row and now I want nothing to do with riding the rollers of inconvenience. I've got a little chin/goatee thing going on right now, which my wife says is a hard-core Amish beard, so maybe I'm like Amish Gone Wild.

Riding the rollers have paid off, as last Saturday I rode with a group of guys, most...no, actually all of which are faster than me, and I hung with the pack really well. Actually, I was up with the front of the group for most of the ride. So, I don't want to quit riding the rollers, but I've tasted the freedom of riding outside and now, like those kids, I am ready to go ape-shit. But Mother Nature's got different plans and I am sure this riding outside consistently isn't going to happen for at least another month.

Maybe, just maybe, next winter I will be able to taste this freedom once and a while. And I won't be a biker-gone-wild when I have to ride inside.