The "Rules" for Mountain BIkers

A couple days ago, one of the Ramblers stumbled across this gem from the Velominati blog/website. There are some good rules on there and it is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, but they are "roadie" rules, which have little to no bearing on mountain bikers. I decided to go tit-for-tat with their rules and my rules match up with their rules so go read their rules before reading mine. So, without further ado, here are the "mountain bike" rules.

RULE 1: Rules are meant to be broken. Fuck “the Rules”.

RULE 2: It is highly encouraged to help a person that is so uptight that you can’t pull a needle out of their ass with a tractor to break the rules. They need to lighten the hell up.

RULE 3: There are TONS of reasons to break the Rules. If someone tells you that you shouldn’t or can’t d
o something, it is a perfect reason to go ahead and do it.

RULE 4: It is rarely about the bike. It is only about the bike when you don’t have one to ride. It is also about the bike when you’re sitting around the campfire trying to one up your friends in a bullshit contest.

RULE 5: Harden the Fuck Up. Yeah. This rule works on the road and off road.

RULE 6: If you’re on a mountain bike, you’ll never have to worry about “freeing your mind”. If you’re on a brown ribbon in the woods and you’re still uptight, sell your mountain bike and become a roadie.

RULE 7: You should never care where your tan lines are. Roll up your sleeves, roll ‘em down, do what ever makes you happy. Sleeveless jerseys are HIGHLY recommended. A deer or coyote could give a shit if your tan lines are razor sharp.


RULE 8: Saddles, Bars, and Tires. On a mountain bike, tires are always black, but they should have a nice layer of dust/mud/dirt on them. Grips can be whatever color you like, but are usually black too. A saddle might be a color, but it should be tattered and torn, showing you actually ride your bike, it isn’t a $6000 decoration.

RULE 9: If you’re out riding in bad weather, you’re probably fucking up the trails, so stay on gravel roads or ride your road bike.

RULE 10: True, it never gets easier, you just go faster. But, stop once and a while and check out the views, try another section of that singletrack, or drink a trail beer. If you’re riding with gorillas, you’d better be on a cross Africa trek.

RULE 11: Here’s a novel idea; go for a ride with your family. Get your kids addicted to riding, then you’ll always have a riding partner.

RULE 12: The correct number of bikes should be D+1 , where D is the bikes you desire. If you only want one, get one, if you want 7, then that is what you should get, although s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner is sage advice.

RULE 13: Where is “roadie” rule 13? Just like a pussy roadie to be afraid of a number and leave it out.

RULE 14: What the hell are “Team-Issue” shorts? Shorts should be black and nothing else. Team kits are NEVER allowed on a mountain bike unless you actually race for that team and then it is highly questionable.

RULE 15: Again, black shorts are the only acceptable lycra shorts (baggies are another story). No kits unless you want a nut punch.

RULE 16: Wow. Roadies have a LOT of rules about jerseys, shorts and whatever to wear. Fuck'n A, if you wanna wear jean shorts and a dress shirt, roll with it. How awesome is it to wear cut-offs and stomp a guy wearing a full kit?

RULE 17: True, no team kits allowed unless you’ve actually raced for that team at one point. Or unless you got the jersey for free. Wear whatever socks with it. The woods don’t care.

RULE 18: If road jerseys and lycra bibs are what you have or make you happy, wear ‘em riding off road. Bibs help keep your beer gut in check.

RULE 19: Mountain jerseys or baggies are fine on the road if that’s what you got. Again, nothing more satisfying than wearing baggies and STOMPING a fully-kitted roadie into the ground.

RULE 20: The remedies: if your quads start to burn, you’d better find some sweet downhill. If your calves or hamstrings start to burn, stop and stretch ‘em out. If you feel wimpy and weak, keep riding, it will pass eventually.

RULE 21: More rules about clothing. Sheesh. If you need it, wear it, if you don’t, then don’t. Pretty simple.

RULE 22: Cycling caps aren’t usually recommended, but if you want to wear one, then do it. But usually, they make you look like you’re trying to emulate Miguel Indurain or even worse, Kevin Bacon in Quicksilver. Here’s the scoop. If you’re wearing a full kit and roll into a “pub” (mountain bikers call these bars, but hey, if it makes roadies happy) you are gonna get your ass whipped, but if you’re wearing mountain bike garb (baggies) and you’re covered with dirt and sweat, no one will get near you, much less harass you, so drink with impunity. If you go change and you come back looking like a hipster or an “off-duty” roadie, then you WILL lose your man-card.

RULE 23: If it isn’t below 32 outside, then wearing shoe covers is forbidden. Actually, wearing them in general makes you look like a pussy, but we don’t really give a shit, right? And, by the way, George Hincapie can stomp most roadies, so try and call him a pussy to his face.

RULE 24: Speeds and distances shall NOT be referred to. You can say things like “I rode Amasa Back” or “I rode the Dakota Five-O course”. People that know will understand what you rode. If they don’t understand, why do you care?

RULE 25: It would be cool if your bikes are worth more than your car, but having your bike up top should only be used to go to a distant trailhead. Road rides can ALWAYS start from your house. The only roadie exception is going to a race, otherwise, road bikes have no place on top of your car. And if a guy is getting into riding and has a Huffy on his Rolls, then ride with him, get him hooked and become his friend. Once he gets the bug, he’ll start upgrading like crazy and you can get his lightly used X.X derailleur at a steal.

RULE 26: Staging pictures of your bike is dumb. If you’re taking a picture of your bike, it should have a stunning vista in the background (or another cool attribute to the picture) and your bike is in the shot just to prove you were actually there.

RULE 27: Sock and short length should be what ever the hell you want it to be. Knee high argyle socks, ankle socks, Village People short shorts or knickers are all acceptable. Riding without socks isn’t usually recommended, as people you’re riding with should not be subjected to your having to pull over because you got a damn blister.

RULE 28: Socks can be whatever color you’d like (and it is spelled C-O-L-O-R, there isn’t a fucking U in it). Black is recommended as you can wipe your greasy fingers off on them when you’ve had a backwoods mechanical breakdown (see Rule 29).

RULE 29: Saddle bags are highly recommended. Get tubes, pumps, multi-tools, etc. and KNOW HOW TO USE THEM! Asking or expecting others you’re riding with to fix your bike is bullshit. Asking them to show you is cool though.

RULE 30: Frame mounted pumps are a no-no, only because they can and WILL eject from your bike in a technical section, becoming a ballistic missile, causing a wreck of epic proportions. Keep your pump in your hydration pack (see Rule 32).

RULE 31: Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be stored where ever you can get them. JUST KNOW HOW TO USE ‘EM!

RULE 32: Unless your ride is short and you know EXACTLY where you’re going, a hydration pack is recommended. Drinking water out of a stream because you lost one of your bottles on that rocky section and you drank the other one will only cause a case of the severe shits and is NOT recommended.

RULE 33: Embrace your inner hippie. Shaving your legs is OK if that’s your thing. Remember it was J. Edgar Hoover’s thing too…

RULE 34: Mountain bike shoes and pedals are effective on a road bike if you don’t like looking like a duck footed knob walking into a 7-11 to buy an emergency fuel burrito.

RULE 35: Wear a helmet. Period. Mountain or road, it matters not. Or, actually don’t. It’s called Natural Selection.

RULE 36: Eyewear is HIGHLY recommended. Getting a branch in your eye going 25mph isn’t cool. But, a pair of safety glasses from the Home Depot work just as well as your SUPER COOL Brikos.

RULE 37: If the arms of your eyewear fit better under your helmet straps, then go for it. Even roadies don’t understand their own rules.

RULE 38: Judas Priest…roadies can’t even count. That should tell you something.

RULE 39: While you should never leave home without your eyewear, it won’t be the end of the world. When you first started riding, you rode without eyewear and you can again one more time. If your eyewear is fogging up or causing you issues, you can easily store them in your hydration pack (see Rule 32). Stowing them on your helmet will only cause them to become airborne and have you ride over them at some point.

RULE 40: Tires should be mounted with the label over the valve stem, to aid in finding said valve stem easier. Don’t do it for photo opps. That’s lame.

RULE 41: QR angles should be pointed up/back on your bike. Keeps the scrub on the side of the trail from dislodging your skewer and losing a wheel. Ask Dr. Bogard about this one.

RULE 42: A bike ride can be preceeded by a swim and/or run if it is done outdoors. I dare you to tell anyone that has finished an Iron Man (or guys like Dave Scott) that they’re a pussy. Be prepared for an ass whipping.

RULE 43: Really? Roadies can’t even count to 43 without a calculator.

RULE 44: A rider’s handlebars “should” be lower than their saddle. Unless it is uncomfortable or they’re riding a DH bike. Then all bets are off.

RULE 45: Stack height? On a mountain bike that is how far you fell from your obstacle to the ground. “Damn dude, you had a stack height of at least 7 feet on that one!”

RULE 46: If your handlebars on a mountain bike are not parallel to the ground, you have bent bars and they should be replaced. End of story. Also, bar ends shouldn’t be used with riser bars. Unless you like ‘em, then go ahead.

RULE 47: Holy SHIT. Roadies couldn’t even count from 40 to 50 without missing 2 numbers.

RULE 48: Unless you want a singing voice like Michael Jackson or like sliding off onto your top tube (again, giving you a MJ singing voice) then your saddle should be level.

RULE 49: The midpoint of your t’aint should fall somewhere around the midpoint of your saddle. If it is too far forward, slide back. If it is too far back, slide forward. If you are slid too far forward for too long, you’ll sound like Michael Jackson (see Rule 48). Fix your seat.

RULE 50: All bets are off on facial hair. Beards, goatees, one of those Amish things, a handlebar mustash, it’s all good. Goatees are kinda the mullets of the new millennium, but if you can rock it, go for it.

RULE 51: Yep. Livestrong wristbands have jumped the shark. Actually, Lance is on the verge of becoming a punch line on Letterman, so getting rid of your wristband now is a good idea. The exception; if you or your spouse or significant other has survived cancer. Then you can do whatever the hell you want. You can tell anyone that gives you grief about your Livestrong wristband to see Rules 1 and 5.

RULE 52: Padding or body armor are recommended if you’re riding in an appropriate area. Having full gear on the bike path looks like you’re showing off but you end up looking like a douche. The exception is the Dave Donat rule and will be allowed if you’ve experienced a traumatic crash due to bike failure.

RULE 53: Yet again, another “skipped” roadie rule. I don’t get why they can’t count.

RULE 54: Aerodynamics play little to no role off-road, so aerobars are going to be something to hurt you as you go over the bars.

RULE 55: If you are riding down a mountain, it is desirable to have ridden up first. Makes the downhill all that more sweet. BUT, if you have one of those motorcycles without an engine (called a DH bike) and you’re at a ski resort, take the chair lift. The DH will work your ass.

RULE 56: Espresso or macchiato? What the hell is that? Hows ‘bout this roadies; drink your coffee just like you say tires should be…black and plain. But whatever, if you’re in full kit at the coffee shop, you’re trying to show off, so it’s cool to order a coffee that will take a long time to make. Gives the bike thieves more time to steal your Lance Armstrong replica Trek that you left unlocked in front of Starbucks.

RULE 57: Stickers on you bike are fine. They can cover up wear marks, dings and scratches you got FROM RIDING YOUR BIKE!

RULE 58: You should buy your bike stuff locally. BUT if your local shop tells you that you can’t buy all 3 Camelbak Bite Valves on the shelf ‘cause that’s all they have left, then you should tell ‘em to suck it and buy online. Online is the death of the bike shop. Maybe the bike shop should do a better job with customer service. The rules of retailing are; low cost, quality, customer service…pick two. Again, I highly recommend that you shop at your LBS, but if you walk in the door and you’re in there for 10 or more minutes and no one says anything to you, then fuck ‘em and buy online.

RULE 59: Hold your line? Sure, if someone wants to follow you through that rock garden, they can…

RULE 60: Valve stem nuts are HIGHLY necessary if you’re running tubeless. God, some of these roadie rules are dumb.

RULE 61: Your saddle can have however much padding you’d like. If it is one of those comfort bike seats, be prepared for ridicule from your riding partners, but then you can turn around and stomp them into the ground while riding your bike with the big seat. And saddle sores? Maybe you shouldn’t have stayed in your dirty chamois and had your fucking foo-foo coffee. Wash yourself after your ride. You wonder why you don’t have a girl. It isn’t because it is all about the bike, it is because YOU STINK!

RULE 62: Earphones are a no-no. If you’re riding by yourself in the woods, you need to listen for mountain lions. If you’re riding with friends, you need to be able to bullshit. If you’re in a race, you need to be able to hear when someone yells “Left”. ‘Nuff said.

RULE 63: You’ll never need arm signals riding off-road. Roadies are forever pointing at shit on the road. “Look, there’s a pothole. Look, there’s a tiny fucking pebble. Look, there is a piece of glass. Look, I’m a douchebag. Look, I’m turning.” Fucking narcissistic, don’t you think? If you or your bike can’t handle running over a rock in the road get some bike handling skills and see Rule 5. And yes, Americans might look like they’re waving. IT’S BECAUSE AMERICANS ARE FRIENDLY, not stuck up assholes like the French.

RULE 64: Corner as fast as you can handle. If you’re swinging WAY wide or crashing, slow down a bit. Not too hard to figure out.

RULE 65: You should ALWAYS leave 1 part of your bike creaky. It serves 2 purposes. 1. Passing the silent mountain biker with a creaky bike will drive them ape shit. 2. If you happen to get stomped one day, you can blame your bike. Remember, you were instructed by the roadies that it’s all about the bike.

RULE 66: Mirrors are dangerous on a mountain bike as they can break and cut you in a crash. On a road bike, they help you see the semi-truck hauling ass toward you, allowing an evasive maneuver. If an old guy at the bike shop told you to get one, listen to him. He’s probably ridden more miles this year than you have in the last 5.

RULE 67: Waaa-fuckin’-waaa. You’re not taking your turn in the wind. What the hell? Again, you don’t need to do this kinda shit on a mountain bike. Don’t worry about it.

RULE 68: If all you had time for was a 3 mile ride before work, on lunch, etc. it’s all good. You were out on your bike so it is all quality ride time.

RULE 69: See, if you have mountain bike shoes and pedals, then walking wouldn’t be such a problem. Dumbass…

RULE 70: Anyone that says the purpose of competing is to win hasn’t raced in a 24 hour race or in a endurance mountain bike event, otherwise they’d understand it is about surviving. Winning is just icing on the cake.

RULE 71: Having a training plan and sticking to it is a good idea and recommended, BUT skipping a ride with your buddies because it doesn’t fit into your training plan is fucking dumb. You have a finite number of rides in your life. Lighten the fuck up and ride with your bros.

RULE 72: There is a reason power meters haven’t taken off in the mountain bike world. If you tell someone that you cleaned the Widow Maker or Crow Peak, you don’t need a fucking computer to tell you that you’re the man (or woman), everyone will know.

RULE 73: Gear and brake cables should be cut to the optimum length, but mostly so shit doesn’t break when you crash.

RULE 74: Get whatever gadgets you want for your bike. Don’t become too dependent on them, as their batteries WILL die when you need them most. If you haven’t ever been lost on a ride, then you haven’t really been riding have you? How many times have you heard "I think the car is just over this ridge..."

RULE 75: Numbers should come off the bike before you ride it again after a race. It make you look like you’re showing off…

RULE 76: When not worn, helmets can strap nicely to your hydration pack. Remember those? Yet another reason to wear one.

RULE 77: Yep. Respect the Earth. Especially during a race. You’re already sweaty, dirty and sticky anyhow, just put that damn wrapper in your pocket or under the legs of your shorts.

RULE 78: Take a cage off, put it on, who the hell cares?

RULE 79: God, I am sick of these roadies missing rules numbers.

RULE 80: Being calm before a race is a great idea, but odds are you’ll be nervous as hell, so sitting calmly on your top tube isn’t realistic. Do what makes you comfortable.

RULE 81: A bike is a work of art, but if you collapse after a hard ride/race, the bike can go where ever you land. Just don’t lie it down on the derailleur side.

RULE 82: Huh? If it is cold, wear arm warmers, knee warmers, ear warmers, whatever the hell makes it possible for you to ride. Don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks.

Those are the rules. Follow 'em. Or don't. I don't give a shit. And neither should anyone else you ride with.

Rollers

Rollers. The bane of my existence. OK, well maybe not the bane, but for fucks sakes, I don't like riding them. Well, I do, but I don't. How's that for a messed up opening statement?

Here's the deal-e-o. Rollers are a far better method for training (for me anyhow) than using a stationary, clamp-your-rear-wheel, turn-your-t'ain't-into-fiery-hamburger trainer. You get to move around and have a "real" ride feel. Plus, training indoors this time of year, you can control your effort without worrying about crashing on ice, freezing the tip of your wiener off (I think I've done this too many times, which would explain my embarrassing state) or just being uncomfortable 'cause of the cold. So, in this respect, I like rollers.

BUT, I am sick and tired of riding inside! I am ready to get outdoors and ride my bike without having to bundle up like Randy from A Christmas Story . I'm ready to hear the crunch of the earth under my tires. I am ready to smell the forest. I am ready to have sweat from the heat of the mid-day sun sting my eyes.

I'm not ready for winter to be over just yet (I am digging riding my snowboard this winter) but a couple of nice days would make the world just right.

On Saturday I DID bundle up like Randy and jumped on the Stumpy and pedaled outside. Riding off road in the winter is tricky. On one hand, you don't want it to be too cold so you don't freeze stuff, but then again you don't want it to be above freezing as the trail will be muddy. Saturday was a bit on the cold side, but it should have been doable. Yet, it went on to be an EPIC failure. I rode over to M-Hill and in addition to freezing my fingers off, I found the trail to be slicker than cat shit on a linoleum floor (I suppose at some point someone stepped on some cat shit on a linoleum floor and slipped, but I've never understood that phrase, yet I use it). The trail must have melted from the warm day we had on Friday, then with the cold/snow we had on Saturday AM, it froze solid and with the snow acting as a lubricant on top of the ice. So, I cruised around on my bike for a while then headed home. I think my hands are still cold.

I rode my rollers again yesterday. Still ready to ride outside, but I think I'll wait until it is a bit warmer.

The top 10 Not-so-serious moments of 2010.

I have a confession. I'm a closet nerd. Well, maybe it isn't a confession, as anyone that knows me (my wife, my friends, etc.) knows that I am a nerd. And, while I'm not a nerd in the classic respect like hanging out at the comic book store, in a computer place, or at a role-playing game shop, I have nerd-tendencies. I love Star Wars (yep, all of it, not just the original trilogy). I know all about all sorts of bike parts, how they work and their compatibility with each other. I love technology like Kip.

So, it should come as no surprise that I keep a spreadsheet/log of all the rides I go on. I like the fact I can go back through the year and use it to remember rides I've done. It isn't a huge deal, I just keep track of where I rode, on what bike, for how long and how far, average speed, max speed, and any comments about the ride like who I rode with or something cool that happened on the ride. Nerdy, huh?

BUT nerdy, bike geek feelings set aside, using said log, I can go back and pick out the top 10 moments of my year of riding. So, without much further ado, here is the 2010 NSS TOP 10 List (with my apologies to David Letterman).

10. 3/13/10. Rode with the Rambler gang on the Whitewood loop. Was able to slightly "show off" my roller training. Any advantage I had on this ride was vanquished by May.

9. 4/3/10. Vanocker Canyon. Group road ride that climbed like a mo-fo then descended like an uncontrolled space shuttle re-entry. (WHAT THE HELL? Two of my top ten rides are road rides? I MUST be getting old!)

8. 6/22/10. Spearfish Canyon. Tuesday night Rambler ride. About 10 minutes in, it starts to rain enough to make Noah nervous. We forge on, thinking that just maybe it will break. It sure does, breaks wide open! It was fuckin' POURING! After about 25 minutes, we turn around and it was like a bunch of little kids playing in the rain and mud. An absolute riot!

7. 8/22/10. Another Spearfish Canyon ride, but this time I was on the tandem with the Boy. It was about 3000 degrees out, but we rocked the Rim trail! He did great on such technical riding!

6. 9/12/10. Victoria Lake. The Boy and I compete in our first race ever on the tandem. It was REALLY cool! Fun times. We didn't even get lapped by anyone until the very end of the loop, which on Barney (our big, purple tandem) was great!

5. 10/1/10. Mickelson Trail. The annual Rambler Mickelson in one day ride. It had everything, from frigid temperatures in the morning, to alcohol fueled shenanigans along the trail, it was a great time!

4. 8/14/10. Crow Peak. Anytime I get to ride Crow Peak it's a good time. Rode with Aaron and Scott. Aaron ate shit, then I did and Scott did somewhere along the line. All in all, an AWESOME ride!

3. 4/29/10. Moab, UT. Rode the Gemini Bridges/Gold Bar Rim/Portal trail on our annual Rambler trip. It doesn't get any better than this ride. Un-fucking-real. We start out in crazy sleetand wind, ate lunch in a cave, had guys lock up on the descent on the Portal and then forgot the keys to the shuttle vehicle so some of us had to ride the 10+ miles back to the other car. Epic and AWESOME!

2. 10/9-10/10/10. 24 Hours of Moab. Teamfubar got back together and rocked the 24 Hours! For a not-so-serious report, check HERE.

1. 7/24-7/25/10. Annual Short Way Down trip. The second time the Boy and I rode the Mickelson. It was a great time again. We're already talking about this coming year's trip and how to change it up, maybe making it a 4 or 5 day adventure.

Well, that's it. Let me tell you it was hard to pick out the top 10 bike moments. There were at least another dozen or more that could have easily made the list.

I'm already hitting the rollers, prepping for this year's rides. Here's to hoping 2011 is every bit as good if not better than 2010 for everyone!

It's Crunch Time...the Christmas Edition

5:20 am. Two days before Christmas. One real shopping day left. I suppose I'd better get some presents for those I love. Remember, I put the PRO in PROcrastination.

Nah, not really, but if you're thinking you need to get something for that cyclist in your life, here's a list of a few cycling related items that your cyclist might need or want.

Gadgets

Cyclists love gadgets. (Except those granola-chewing, cigarette-smoking, technology-eschewing singlespeeders, although they still love gadgety accessories, like a Surly Flask and Cage for their bikes.) The shinier and fancier the gadget, the better. But know your gift recipient. If they're ham-fisted or like to crash a lot, don't by them something fragile. Get them something like the Garmin 500. No mapping function, so if your cyclist is prone to getting lost, find a different model (or don't, maybe that's your diabolical plan) but does everything a cyclingcomputer does, at a lot higher cost and instead of a magnet and wires to tell you your speed, it uses a shit ton of rare-earth element using satellites orbiting the Earth. How's that for gadgety?

Clothing

Guaranteed the cyclist on your list needs more cycling clothing. Just because they have more jerseys than dress shirts means NOTHING. A couple tips on buying clothing.

1. Don't buy "full-kit" stuff for your cyclist. Nothing screams douche-nozzle louder than a guy or gal rolling up in a full Astana kit, especially 'cause they're gonna get stomped by the guy on the road bike wearing baggies. I guess if your cyclist can back it up then maybe, just maybe, it's ok. But that is highly doubtful. Unless your name is Lance, Floyd, Alberto or Tyler and you can afford Spanish Beef, leave the kits to the pros.

It is kinda retro-cool to have someone roll up in a full Team "Z" kit, but still has a fairly high douche factor.

The only possible exception is getting your hands on a All Hail the Black Market kit, although they are not in production right now, so good luck and besides, where are you gonna get one in the next 24 hours?

2. Don't buy stuff that will fit your cyclist on January 1st. They're fat and out of shape on January 1st. Nothing will piss them off more or motivate them more to ride then to get some cycling clothing that should fit them but won't until May.

Any cyclist worth their weight in Tufo tubulars (and crowding the age of 40) knows the joy and comfort of bib shorts. No pinching or binding. Regular shorts roll off your gut like trying to keep a rubber band on a bowling ball. Get a good pair of bibs. Anyone that says they don't like bibs is either lying or hasn't tried 'em. Just like anything in life, don't shop only by price, but by quality. I bought a cheap pair of bibs once and the pad shredded my t'aint like a kid on wrapping paper on Christmas morning. Oh yeah, no white bibs either.

In addition to the bibs, gloves are on this list. Go find your cyclist's gloves. Smell them. When you come to, you'll realize at some point, no matter how many time you wash 'em, they stink. I think gloves start to rot the second they cross the threshold of a bike shop when you purchase them. Look at their gloves, go get something similar. You'll be good to go.

Other than that, cycling related t-shirts and socks are a good bet too. Just a small tip on this. If your significant other has a bike brand they REALLY love don't buy them a tee of a competing bike company. If they like Trek, no Specialized tees. If they love Moots, no Litespeed tees. If they love Giant, well, they don't deserve a tee. Nah...but you get the idea.

Hydration

You'll need to know your cyclist and whether they use or like a hydration pack (aka; a Camelbak). If they do, go find theirs. Do the same thing as you did with the gloves and take a whiff. After you clean up the blood from hitting your head as you went down, wipe the vomit off your shirt and high-tail it down to the shop to get the SAME EXACT MODEL. The odds are, your cyclist has a particular affinity for that model, so don't deviate from this.

If they are a no-go for a hydration pack, then bottles are always good. Camelbak makes the best bottles on Earth, so go find those. Get multiple sizes and colors. No cyclist can resist them. I guarantee it!

Stocking stuffers

Multi-tools, tubes, handlebar bells, tire levers, patch kits, Clif bars, etc. all make great stockingstuffers for your cyclist and is all stuff they can't get too much of.

I forgot to mention, all this shit is expensive. But that's what you get for not planning ahead. Maybe you'll be like your aunt Maybelle and get your Christmas shopping done in August next year for 2012, but until then, you've got a list of stuff. Now you can relax for another 24 hours before you have to go panic buy. Kick back and relax. You might want to double check the hours of your LBS (local bike shop) though, you know, just in case they're closed on the 24th.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

I turned old yesterday.

Age. It is only a number of times we've orbited around the Sun on this big blue orb we call Earth. Just a measurement of time.

We talk about how old we are, but it is really just a number. As I approach, quite rapidly I might add, the age of 40, I have to wonder how old we are when you're "old". You know, when you start dropping those lines when you say "Back when I was a boy". I never thought 40 was old (well, 39, but who's counting) until something puked out of my mouth yesterday and I had an out-of-body experience, wondering who the hell was saying this, and realized I was all-of-the-sudden, old.

This whole story should be prefaced by acknowledging that all this stems from my hatred for those fucking hipsters. You know them. Guys wearing girls jeans that are WAY too tight, wearing Oakley Frogskin glasses that we discarded 20 years ago, trying to be all hip and ironic, but ultimately come off like they're trying super hard and look like a bunch of douche bags. And to boot, they WRECKED the ability to ride anything fix-geared as if you do, you'll be seen as either trying to be a hipster or just jumping on the bandwagon, and even though cyclists have used fixed gears for "off-season" training purposes for decades we can't anymore thanks to those super-urban fucks (which also ties this whole thing into cycling).

So, yesterday, while I was at work, I popped into the bagel shop next door to get a cup of coffee. And not a half-caff, double-froth, doucheiccino, but just a coffee. And as with all places that serve cool coffee (not Millstone or Corner Pantry) there are people trying to be all hip and cool roaming around like cockroaches on last night's pizza. As I approach the counter to pay my $1.34, I see this guy in a skin tight sweater that hangs down over his ass, which was a good thing, 'cause his jeans we so small and tight that I am quite certain the label said Mattel and had a picture of Barbie on it and the belt (which was hip and cool too) was lashed somewhere around mid-thigh. WHAT THE HELL? I got my coffee and split before I punched him in the nuts.

When I got back to work I asked, rhetorically, why? We went from pants that were so big and baggy that it looked like your nutsack was dragging on the ground to pants so fucking tight and small that you couldn't possibly have a set of nuts in there without wringing them along with your voice into a dog-whistle octave. AND, when I said "I would love to see either one of those guys (baggy pants guy or girl jeans guy) try and run in those. They don't make any sense" I realized I'm old. That is it. When you and your wardrobe need to be sensible then you're old. Functionality over fashion. If the two co-exist, then fine, but otherwise function comes first when you're old.

I understand all the other whims of people younger than I. I get their love of technology. I get the music of today's youth. I just don't get their pants. I don't think I'm old just yet, but I'm getting close.

It's 1:30 in the afternoon. I gotta get my nap in so I can eat dinner at 4:30, catch a little Matlock and hit the hay at 7:30 or so...

The end of the season...

Yesterday was the Miss Chippie 'Cross race at the "World Famous Buffalo Chip" (where that infamous singer from the previous post may have fallen off of a stage) which was the last race of the season, marking the end of the biking season. I'm kinda bummin' that it is the end of the season, but I'm looking forward to taking a little break from riding. OK, well maybe I'm not taking a break from riding at all, but I won't be riding as much, although I haven't been riding even once a week, so it won't change much, but there yesterday was definitely a line of demarkation. (WOW, what a run on sentence!)

While it isn't time to reflect on the previous year yet, that takes place during "The Year in Review Week", that crappy week between Christmas and New Year's where no one in the media knows what to do with themselves 'cause they can't talk about how this years Christmas retail season sucked (ever notice that they say EVERY YEAR was a disappointing year? I call bullshit), so everyone tries to encapsulate how many times we saw that stupid assed Lady GaGa or if Branjolina is still together or that the First Lady farted at a special dinner. Fuckin' dumb. BUT, I will say briefly that it was a great year of biking. Lots and lots of fun! From trips to Utah with friends (twice), to Fat Tire Festivals, to getting in more miles in a year than I maybe EVER have, to riding with friends for the first time in years, to cyclocross racing, it was a great, GREAT cycling year for me.

Back to the Miss Chippie 'Cross. It was a cold day and it took place at a great venue, even if there was syphilis snow on the ground, and a fun course. I had a great race (for me) with me being ahead of the Prince for just 1/3 of a lap (which is the ONLY time I've EVER been ahead of him) and JT for a big chunk of the race. JT passed me at the start of the 4th lap and then he flatted, so I'm a bit bummed that we didn't get to dice it out on the last lap, although I am sure JT would have kept motoring away as usual. The Princess took home the "gold" in the women's class, which was AWESOME and the Prince was on the podium, another Teamfubar victory!

Well, in keeping with my usual PROcrastination, I have to get ready for my next sport, snowboarding. Heading to Terry Peak for the first time this year. Maybe I'll report back on how it went...or not. I probably shouldn't make any promises of reports. It took me 2 months to report on Moab, so I don't want to take another 2 months to report on sliding on the snow. And besides, I have so many run on sentences in this post that I'll probably get a call from the Blog Police, so I probably should get while the gettings good.

Moab Report 2.0

To paraphrase a singer that may or may not have fallen off a stage here in South Dakota; "I'm BAAACCCKK in the saddle again."

Excuses are like assholes. Everybody has one. I have about a million of them as to why I haven't posted anything about Teamfubar's assault on the 24 Hours of Moab, or why I haven't posted anything in almost 2 months for that matter. But the truth of the matter is I have been typing this whole thing up for the trip and, well, it sucks (what I wrote, not the trip). It is too full of minutia of the whole trip, "First we rode here, then we ate, then we did this, then we touched our weiners, blah, blah, blah."

No one wants to hear that shit. Especially the people that weren't there. Nothing worse than going over to a friends house to see 200 pictures of their trip somewhere you didn't get to go and have them describe experiences that you didn't have. *YAWN* BORING! So, in keeping with true Fubar fashion, I'll put together a synopsis of what happened, giving out virtual awards, describing what happened in short, rapid fire bursts as opposed to the War and Peace version. I still have all I wrote, so maybe I'll put it together for those that were there if they want it.

Teamfubar X 2010 edition.

Getting the "band" back together for the first time in 10 years has to be the coolest part of the whole trip. And while it isn't the exact line-up we had 10 years ago, it has 3 of the original members (4 if you count my lovely that busts ass all night long keeping the team fed and hydrated). I think the consensus was that if Granny Gear does the race again next year, we'll be back. I know I want to, I think the Prince wants to (actually, I know he wants to based on the quasi-irate texts I got from him after we got home and he found out how close we were to a top 10 finish) and if he wants to, the Princess will, so we'll probably end up fielding a team again. And I'll be stoked if we do. I had a blast and I hope everyone else did as well.

Worst performance of the race.

Before I get to the best performance of the race, I have to get to the worst performance. "What? That isn't cool to call someone out about how they raced!" Well, if it is about you and you're typing, you can say what you want. My performance on one particular lap sucked. And it wasn't even about me riding. When we've done the race in the past, we've always seen those poor souls there screaming for their relief rider that was not there. I've always pitied them. I thought "Shit, that team can't get their poop in a group enough to be there when a rider comes in."

Well guess what? I WAS THAT GUY! JT came in from his night lap and I was 6 FUCKING minutes late! Those 6 minutes cost us a top 10 finish. What a douche.

Best racing performance of the race.

This was a tough one. I could have easily chosen the Prince for turning the fastest lap or the Princess for having a blistering morning lap. Or Cleatus for being old reliable and cranking out 4 laps at a high level as he's always done at the race. But, I had to go with JT.

JT cranked out his 3 laps within 3 minutes of each other. EVEN HIS NIGHT LAPS! Nice riding JT, very, very impressive. JT turned his night laps WAY faster than any of us expected (which was a big part of why I was late) and his laps were the most consistent of the team.

Best non-racing performance of the race.

My wife. Yes we had lots of other help there (the Princess' dad, my mom, the Boy, etc.) and they all contributed, but we could NOT do it without my wife. She stayed up for most of the night, making sure the fire kept burning, kept us fed and hydrated. I see other teams without a quality pit crew and I don't like what I see. It looks hard, it looks unorganized, it looks un-fun. I love having her on our team. It was worth 2 spots at least.

Weirdest moment of the trip.

I surely could cite the moment that the Princess' dad ran out of water in the shower and I had to hang the new "sun shower" bag in the tent for him and saw his old-man hose. I am scarred for life (and feel really, really inadequate now), but that was only a rugged moment for me.

Naw, the real bizarre moment of the trip had to be when some dumbass (me) came boiling out of the tent in bib shorts, orange and black striped tights, a orange feather boa and arm warmers. A laugh riot ensued in the camp and throughout the venue, but most of the team didn't admit to knowing me at the pre-race meeting.

Best purchase for the trip.

Hands down was the shower shelter/tent. Knowing that the showers brought in by Granny Gear were about 1/2 mile away from our camp and that after about 12:01 pm on Saturday all the water would be cold, I bought a shower shelter. What a life-altering purchase. It was awesome to be able to come back to camp and shower, even if I saw another man's pork pistol. Now if I can convert that shower-cam footage to a Mac version...

Best OCD.

Thought about the Princess and the her whole Port-a-potty phobia, but that isn't really unfounded, as the last thing I want to do sit on a bowl above a pile of man-made DQ chocolate soft serve...yuck. So, I gotta go to the Prince with this one. He had the best running bike of the entire team. I don't know if he sat down for more than 10 minutes the whole time. He made bikes run smoothly. Nice job! Bring your bro next year so you can relax between laps.

Best Alcoholic Moment.

Cleatus and JT rolled in to Moab a day after us. Brining quantities of alcohol into Utah isn't legal. Bringing it in to Utah via your circulatory system isn't illegal, although maybe not recommended. These two found New Belgium Ranger in a can in Colorado and Cleatus lost his mind. Seeing him roll into the finish line of the race as our last rider with a Ranger in his hand was a thing of beauty!

Best fuck without the pleasure of intercourse.

By far has to be how much we have to pay to race AND THEN pay to camp. If that weren't bad enough, I had to clear the field we camped in so there weren't a thousand thistles in our feet and tires. I realize that they have to make money on this event, but c'mon. Figure, there were almost a 1/4 of a million dollars in entry fees alone (even with the diminished racer count)! Tack onto that another $40,000 or so for camping PLUS the fees that the bike companies paid to be there and, well, it's a LOT of money. At least let the racers camp free.

FUBARstatistics.

Total Laps: 16

Average Lap Time: 1 hour 33 min 13 sec.

Fastest Lap: 1 hour 17 min 19 sec (by the Prince)

Total Distance Raced: 256 miles!

Greatest Fact: We did the same number of laps as we did 10 years ago!

Team Ahead of Us: Ben's Iron Clad Disater (2 min 55 sec ahead)

Team Behind Us: Garrhs (15 min 01 sec behind)

Top Ten Time: Git Some (4 min 52 sec ahead)

Projected Days Until the Next 24 HoM: 312 and counting...

I've already started training...