Friday, September 4, 2009

The Most Important Race EVER.

How am I sitting here wailing away on this keyboard like Ted Kazcynski on his typewriter (any coincidence that Ted rode bikes too?) when I am barely 48 hours away from the most important race of my life? Or anyone else's life? Or quite possibly the universe? More important than any Tour de France or World Championships? I should be doing some last minute training of some sort. One last 60 mile mountain bike ride on a 6 mile circuit with 1000 feet of climbing per lap. Yeah...that should do it, 10 laps. I could start out slow, then hammer laps 3-7, take a "recovery" lap on the 8th one then let it all hang out for 9-10. That should put me where I want to be.

Holy crap. I almost forgot. I need to weigh a whole bunch of my stuff and get rid of anything extraneous and heck even anything nefarious for that matter (the thought of a nefarious bike part is great, isn't it? The part lying in wait, ready to strike out at your nuts at just the least opportune moment.) If I could ride without sitting down, I'd lose my seat and post. I probably could take off my rear brake, since most of the braking comes from the front, and shoot, I'll be focused on going fast, not slowing down. Trim my grips, file down the ends of my cables, and...OOOHHH I KNOW! I'll put some helium in my tubes. That should lighten up everything!

Then, what to eat for the race? Something with good carbs, but not too much, good protein, but not too much, some good fats, but not too much. I am thinking a sandpiper egg omelet with yak's milk cheese, some Gobi desert onions, Himalayan peppers, a touch of salt from the Dead Sea for electrolytes and an Egyptian wheat tortilla. That should be a good start for the day. Now to figure out what I'm gonna eat on the ride. Well, whatever Lance eats should be good for me on race day.

Why do we get so damn worked up over a local race like the Dakota Five-O? Seriously, even if you win it, will you be a different person on Monday or Tuesday when you go back to work? No. Maybe some bragging rights for a few weeks, but that's it. The rest of us will languish in the mediocrity of the middle of the pack (some of us closer to the back). And, guess what? Some people will show up, not having trained, some without making their bikes lighter, and some will have GASP donuts for breakfast that morning. I am betting that most of them will have a good time too. I am all for training for an event, but c'mon folks, don't get so serious about it...I gotta go. I need to weigh my bike.


  1. I'm shaving my legs for speed. Maybe you should consider losing some body hair, wookie. It would also help with cooling. Just a thought. I'm planning to win for sure.

  2. Holy CRAP! Why didn't I think of that. If I shave my back, that's gotta be worth .05 seconds per mile. That will add up to an ass whoopin' after 50 miles!