Thursday, April 15, 2010

Just Say NO!

All right, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective) today's post has nothing to do with cycling, other than the fact that these crazy assed people could run a cyclist over in their rolling pet carrier.

First, at what point in your life does a person decide that they need to get a dog that isn't much bigger than a rat and take said canine with them everywhere they go? Dogs should NOT be smaller than a cat and there are place where these rats should NOT go. Right now, the dog we have is the smallest we've ever had and she's almost 60 lbs. And I realize size isn't everything, but c'mon, I don't dig those kick-dogs.

Second, why do these people think they can be top secret and sneak these stupid dogs into the grocery store with them? They put them in a little bag and put them in the cart like no one would notice. Then, they act all indignant and hurt when you approach them and say that you can't have a dog in the store due to health code reasons. These same old ladies (and weird old gay dudes) are the first to bitch when a child gets a tiny bit out of control in a store, yet here they are with a dog, whose feet have stomped through its own shit, now wiping that shit off in a shopping cart where I am gonna put my food. Why do they do this? I should borrow my friends Great Dane and cruise through the store with that son-of-a-bitch in the cart, head about 7' in the air, barking at people and shitting its dinosaur sized shits all over the store, see how those old ladies like it.

Third, and most importantly, why do so many of these micro-dog people insist on driving around the world with this stupid dog on their lap? Yesterday on my way home for lunch, I was behind a lady THAT LIVES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD going about 3 m.p.h. with her fucking dog on her lap. It wasn't like she was new to the neighborhood and was driving around looking for a particular address, she lives here. And I KNOW she was going slow because she was French-kissing that damned little shit-eating rat.

What I've always wanted to see happen to these lap-dog-drivers is a low speed front end impact. Have the airbag go off. Permanently imbed the rat into their chest so they ALWAYS can have their dog with them. I just don't get it. When does this whole phenomenon happen? When does a person decide those little dogs are cool (news flash, they're not. They've jumped the shark. Just think about it, Paris Hilton likes 'em, that should say it all) and when did they decide that everyone in the world wants to see this dog? I love dogs. I don't trust people that don't like dogs. But dogs don't belong in a shopping cart or a bag or on someone's lap in a car. Dogs belong outside or sleeping on their back on the couch or in their own seat in the car with their head hanging out the window, slobber running down the side of your freshly washed car.

Actually, there is only ONE time (OK, maybe two times) when those little rats are cool. First, my neighbor has about 200 of those little things. I was out mowing the lawn one day and they were all at the fence barking at me, at other people walking by, and at leaves blowing across the yard. The oldest kid in the house (a teenager...perfect age for embarrassment) comes out to stop them from barking. They got so worked up into a frenzy that they all mounted each other ALL IN A LINE and started humping each other. AWESOME! The kid got super embarrassed, especially when I made some sort of train-fuck comment. Second, while I think it is highly unfortunate for the dog, but damn it's funny, I've heard of multiple times of these dogs cruising around in their back yards and a hawk/eagle/owl/crazed pigeon swooping down and snatching these dogs for that night's dinner. Completely messed up and hilarious all at the same time.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled cycling blog. Please check back soon for actual cycling related content.

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