Sunday, May 22, 2011


Recently, I made disparaging remarks about Mother Nature.  I did apologize, but I think I need to yet again.  She obviously knows better than I do and has tried to save me from myself.

My 30 days of riding was shattered a week ago.  The weather was rainy and cold and I could have ridden but at almost 40, I'm not that into it where I will ride in shit weather.  No rain capes, no fenders, no gaiters.  In addition to the weather, I have some SERIOUS ass problems which is how Mother Nature has saved me from myself.

Now, for those that know me personally, you might say, "Well you have always had a problem with your stinks!"  But, that is not the problem.  Well, it is a problem, but not the problem we're discussing here.  No, the problem I've got with my ass isn't really my ass but more my grundle, t'ain't or for the female readers, Brunswicks.  (What are Brunswicks you ask?  Imagine a bowling says "Brunswick" between the holes.)

So two days off the bike, I thought, would be OK.  I could still easily maintain pace to get 300+ miles this month.  On Sunday, I went for a road ride with some friends.  A good climb (4000+ feet of climbing) and a SCREAMING descent (50+ miles per hour) were highlights of the ride, but my ass wasn't happy with me at all.  I had a hard time finding a comfortable spot on the seat for the whole ride.

I rode to work on Monday and I'll tell you, on my ride home, I don't know if I sat down once.  Super pain. I got home and sat on an ice pack for the evening.  I needed to get it all healed up so I could ride on Tuesday night with the Ramblers.

Tuesday night came and we rode Bulldog in Sturgis.  Just like my ride to work and my ride on Sunday, I had a hard time finding a spot on the seat that didn't cause a flaming pain in my ass.  Once at the top, we stood around for a few minutes (which was a relief for me) and headed down.  Once again, no sitting down for me on the descent.
I can't say for sure if this is me or a baboon.

Long story short, I got home from my ride, went for the grundle-ice for a bit and went to bed.  When I got up Wednesday morning, I felt like some sort of baboon in heat.  My t'ain't was all swollen, which in turn caused my nuts to swell up too.  And let me tell you, for all you short horns out there, if your sack has gone from the size of a coin purse to the size of a grocery tote, it doesn't do anything thing for the visual size of your member.  Imagine Danny DeVito standing next to Mickey Rooney.  Now imagine him standing next to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.  He's not any shorter, but he looks a lot shorter next to a 7' man.  Same thing for me.

So, now I've been off the bike all week.  It really hasn't mattered as it's been raining like mad here, so my 30 days would have been shot anyhow.  And, the swelling has gone down and stuff is healing up down there.  So, thanks Mother Nature.  I won't disparage you again.  Unless I try this again in June.

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