Saturday, January 9, 2010

A Turdsicle...

In a combo platter type event of a couple of recent posts (dogs and stinky bathrooms), I have discovered my back yard is nothing more than a giant turdsicle. Or a turd glacier of sorts.

We have had a BITCHIN' case of the colds around here, with December being one of the coldest on record. (I remember hearing second coldest, but the records only go back to 1982 when they lost all the previous records due to water pipes bursting from being frozen, so I don't know how accurate that is.) As such, picking up dog doo-doo is difficult at best, impossible at worst.

In our backyard, where our dogs (or dog as it is now) hang out and do their, ahem, business, resides a nice, big, concrete patio. It is perfect for hanging out in the summer time, but it stinks in the winter, 'cause it is one big patch for me to shovel when it gets covered with snow. I shoveled it off once in December, but then the wind started to blow, as in blizzard conditions, and now there is a big pile of snow on it.

The snow in the yard is too deep for either dog to take a duker with out freezing their dainty little cooters off (both female), so they like to go on the patio. So imagine a couple of freeze/thaw cycles, dogs stomping all over the snow, packing it down, about 50 gallons of dog piss, and about 3000 dog shits. Has all the makings of some weird horror story, doesn't it? Alas, it isn't a horror story as much as it is my story. Somehow, someway, I have to get this big ol' dog piss and shitsicle (I think that is an actual Popsicle flavor) off of the patio and into the yard where we'll let it melt then sift out the turds with a rake, not unlike a demented Zen Rock Garden.

I am actually hoping, like a glacier, it starts to move and slides off into our neighbor's yard. They have about 50 little yapping dogs. Imagine their surprise when the snow melts to find dog shits the size of their dogs?! Goddamn that would be hilarious to watch! I can hear it now "Honey, what the HELL are you feeding the dogs?" I do have to admit their dogs are fun to watch. Last summer, there were three of them barking at the fence and when the teenage son came out to make 'em stop, they (the dogs) got so worked up the all stopped and started fucking each other! Like some wild chihuahua bi-curious orgy! Of course the teenage was mortified and I was laughing my ass off. I made some "train" comment to the kid, but I don't think he found it funny. But, I digress. We're talking about my dilemma, which is a dog shit filled nightmare.

Supposed to be 50 degrees on Tuesday...well, at least it will be poop-soup and not a turdsicle anymore.

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