Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I've Made a GRIEVOUS Error.

I think that when I die and swing by Heaven to get my sentence to Hell, I am going to find out that God is a comedian. I have a problem that most don't ever have to worry about, much less act upon. Have you ever seen a skinny dude with a hairy body? Nope. At most, they may have a hair dickey, which they can crop, shave or otherwise wax off if they so desire. BUT, have you ever noticed, the bigger the girth of the dude, the hairier they are? See, I think God thought "Well, odds of them taking their shirt off in public is slim, so lets fuck it up all the way and ensure they NEVER do and make them hairy. Hairy enough to scare little kids. I know there will be those few odd balls that will do it anyhow, but they'll be the exception."

Me...I am class 7 hairy. Robin Williams is class 9 hairy, which is equivalent to SPF 50. Due to this fact, A BIG mistake was made. You see, Sunday was "hair-cut" day in my house, which is where the problem began. Since I just buzz my hair with clippers, there is no sense in paying a barber $15 to do this when I can do it myself (with the help of my lovely wife). While she was trimming our son's hair, I got the clippers out and got them ready. As I looked down, I thought "you know, it is getting damn hot to ride the rollers of inconvenience with all this hair, I should give myself a trim." And boy did I ever.

I realize the old adage that "the difference between a good hair cut and a bad hair cut is 7 days" is fairly true, but try ITCHING like a mother-fucker for 7 days. SHIT. I now look like some cancer-patient-monkey, that has some sort of mange, with all of his body hair falling out and itching all over like he's got lice. What was I thinking? Well, truth is, I wasn't. It was definitely spur of the moment and now I am paying for that.

I will say the rollers of inconvenience were much more tolerable this morning...but have you ever tried to ride rollers with no hands while itching your back and chest at the same time? No, of course not...you're not a caveman throwback like me.


  1. That is not actually your hair in the picture is it - in your KITCHEN!?!?! Now I will be totally creeped out if I have a hair in my food while eating at your house! And if so, is that SERIOUSLY all from your back? You probably look more like Dr. Evil's hairless cat in Austin Powers. The upside is that you probably dropped 5lbs:-)

  2. Sorry to disappoint you Princess, but the pic is NOT from my kitchen. I swiped it from the intraweb, but I will say the pile was quite similar in size...