Wednesday, January 27, 2010

What Nerd, Geeks and I Dream About.

As many, nah, actually ALL people that know me know, I have an affinity for Star Wars. The whole series I-VI, none of this "Well, the original IV-VI was good, but then new stuff is crap" or anything like that. I am a complete nerd and have all six movie posters up in the family room where the TV is. I have all my Star Wars toys from when I was a kid and I don't let my son play with them (though he has TONS of his own, new Star Wars toys, which are WAY cooler than mine). I have seen Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope at least 150 times, which is serious. I would never lie about that.

I have dressed as a Star Wars character for many Halloweens. I have a full-on Darth Vader costume and a Jedi robe, so I can be a good guy or a bad guy whenever I want. Next year when I dress up for Halloween, I hope my wife will dress like this...I am sure there is a lightsaber/boner joke in here somewhere, I just can't think of it right now...

Monday, January 25, 2010

I feel like a little kid and not in a good way.

As I mentioned the other day, I had a moment of weakness and said yes to the 24 Hours of Moab (or was tricked into it) so training in earnest has begun.

I kept up some sort of activity during the autumn with some running, bike riding and my weight training 3 days per week so I would not exit the holidays a complete couch slug, only a slight couch slug. All along I had a plan to start a quasi-serious training regimen after the first of the year. Not a New Years Resolution type thing, but just a jump-off point to get started.

Now, my regimen consists of 3 days per week of weight-training and 3 days per week of riding, either indoor or outdoor. When riding indoors, I have some spin videos that have music and "instructions" for the unmotivated to push themselves past a casual spin in the house. But, the weather and indoor riding is a big contributing factor of why I feel like a little kid.

I have owned a trainer for 10+ years. For those of you that might not know, a trainer is a little "A" frame that locks onto your rear wheel. There is a resistance unit that pushes onto your rear wheel giving you something to push against. You sit there and spin away with nowhere to go. I HATE the trainer. Only legs moving which causes your ASS TO KILL. It feels like my t'ain't (or the Brunswicks on women. What is a Brunswick? Well on a bowling ball, it says Brunswick between the two holes...)is getting mashed into my spleen. You never get to shift around, just locked into one position unless you stand up, but there isn't enough resistance (at least on my unit) to keep me from shooting off the bike when trying to stand.

So, I have the grand idea to get some rollers. Rollers will have a far more realistic road feel. I have to shift around to keep balance. It will fine tune my balance. It will improve my spin. What do I have to lose?

Well, for one thing, I'VE NEVER RIDDEN ROLLERS. Little did I know I'd feel like a child learning to ride all over again when on these things. Swerving all over the place, falling off and basically just looking like a complete and utter doofus while riding them. OK, I look like a doofus most of the time, but this makes me look like a class A doofus.
I've got about a week or so of riding on these under my belt now and it isn't as terrible as when I started, but I am good for at least one or two times riding off these fuckin' things and crashing into the back of the couch.

I can just hear it now, "Hey Chris, how did you separate your shoulder?"

"Oh, I crashed my bike."

"Really? You're hard-core. The weather's been terrible outside and you're out riding? NICE!"

"Yeah, I wish. I rode off my rollers and crashed into the back of the couch. When I was falling, I outstretched my arm and separated my shoulder."

"You crashed off your rollers? You pussy...sell your bike and go buy some walking wait, you'd probably fall off a sidewalk or a treadmill...forget it. Buy a helmet and sit on the couch."

Just like that. I can hear it now. Good God, I hope the weather warms up.

Oh, yeah, BTW...I have to share this. We went out running errands yesterday. I went into TWO public restrooms at two different stores in two completely different areas of town. And I mention the two areas of town because it wasn't one sick person going from one store to the next, but likely two different people in two different areas and guess what? Hot shit. I had to inhale someones hot, airborne, shit particles...proves my point. I gotta go rinse my sinuses out yet again...

Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Belgians are Coming, The Belgians are Coming!

Every morning I have a ritual. Get up before any other sane living creatures are awake, make a huge cup of coffee, trip on downstairs, fire up the Mac and cruise through about a dozen or so websites and/or blogs, mostly bike related, which is why those eagle-eyed readers will note most of my post times are somewhere around 5 a.m., then workout. This morning is no exception. I will be riding the rollers of death sometime after finishing this.

While perusing my usual sites I came across something over at the Drunkcyclist that made me almost pee my pants, but I didn't know if it was true, so I bounced on over to Cyclingnews to verify. Lo and behold, it was TRUE! The 2013 Cyclocross WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS are coming to the US! The BELGIANS ARE COMING, THE BELGIANS ARE COMING. Like a weird, Paul Revere dressed like Nacho Libre, I am telling the world, or more realistically, the 4 readers of this blog, that for the first time EVER, the Worlds are leaving Europe!

All right, maybe it isn't 100% official yet, but a group out of Kentucky put in a bid to host the 2013 race and the UCI has said they are the front runner for hosting the race! I've never wanted to visit Kentucky, mostly 'cause I don't dig horses and I don't wanna kiss my sister like that, but I just might want to make a trip for this one.

Shit, now I have MORE training to do...high reps with right arm (for ringing the cowbell) and 12 oz. lifts with the left arm. Why 12 oz.? For drinking and performing PBR hand-ups. I know they are world-class CX racers, but c'mon, they're still CX racers. They'll take a PBR hand up. Especially from a guy dressed in Nacho Libre attire. They will if they know what's good for 'em...

Friday, January 22, 2010

The Weight Training is WORKING!

I have been working on another post about the torture device called rollers, but not done with it yet and I had to get this off my chest.

I have been weight training for about 5 months now. And, finally, I am thinking it is paying off.

My moobs are now officially pecs. And I have a six-pack. Albeit under a layer of fur and blubber, but there are defined muscles under there. I can feel 'em if I push my finger into my gut a little bit.

If I keep it up (and I have to) I know I won't have to push my finger in so far to feel the sixer...

Saturday, January 9, 2010

What the hell was I thinking?

Way back, once upon a time, I was a serious cyclist. I raced a lot, I trained, I was in great shape. During this time, I was the ringleader of a 24 hour race team, Teamfubar. We last raced together in 2000 at the 24 Hours of Moab, where we placed 15th out of 120 teams, not too shabby if you ask me.

We (Teamfubar) didn't really quit outright after that, but it just happened. There were no conversations, no "meetings", no fighting, nothing of the sort, though I am thinking there may have been a cuppie involved. We were just at that right (or wrong) age where jobs and families started to take over in our lives and the 24 hour thing just organically disintegrated.

Fast-forward 9+ years from our last race together. Last summer I was hanging out with the Princess and Brian and the subject came up. It went something like this:
Princess: "I miss 24 hour racing."
Me: "Yeah, me too."
Princess: "We should do the 24 Hours of Moab again." (Waving her hand in front of my face.)
Me: "We should do the 24 Hours of Moab again."
Princess: "You should get the team back together." (Again waving her hand.)
Me: "I should get the team back together."

Holy SHIT. She did a mutha-fuckin' Jedi Mind Trick on me! (I think the Jedi Mind Trick had already taken place on Brian as he was agreeing with everything she said too.) What the hell? I thought that those only worked on the weak minded, oh, wait a minute, ah...never mind.

We agreed then and there that the Princess, Brian, Bobki and I would do the 5 person open class, the class we raced in the past. And in true Teamfubar fashion, we have a few options for the fifth person, but no one that has committed. But that will come.

The biggest problem with doing the 24 hours is I now HAVE TO TRAIN! Early morning workouts, double-secret training rides, long hours on the road, watching my food and beer consumption, trimming my ball hair, shaving my back, etc. FUCK. When I said "YES" to this I didn't think it through. My emotions took over and made my ego say I could do it.

I realize I've spent the last 10 years casually riding my bike. I did train a little last year, but nothing the way I'm going to have to train for this. SO, now I don't have time to continue puking this out, 'cause I have to go do my Wednesday morning weight workout. Just sounds creepy, doesn't it?

A Turdsicle...

In a combo platter type event of a couple of recent posts (dogs and stinky bathrooms), I have discovered my back yard is nothing more than a giant turdsicle. Or a turd glacier of sorts.

We have had a BITCHIN' case of the colds around here, with December being one of the coldest on record. (I remember hearing second coldest, but the records only go back to 1982 when they lost all the previous records due to water pipes bursting from being frozen, so I don't know how accurate that is.) As such, picking up dog doo-doo is difficult at best, impossible at worst.

In our backyard, where our dogs (or dog as it is now) hang out and do their, ahem, business, resides a nice, big, concrete patio. It is perfect for hanging out in the summer time, but it stinks in the winter, 'cause it is one big patch for me to shovel when it gets covered with snow. I shoveled it off once in December, but then the wind started to blow, as in blizzard conditions, and now there is a big pile of snow on it.

The snow in the yard is too deep for either dog to take a duker with out freezing their dainty little cooters off (both female), so they like to go on the patio. So imagine a couple of freeze/thaw cycles, dogs stomping all over the snow, packing it down, about 50 gallons of dog piss, and about 3000 dog shits. Has all the makings of some weird horror story, doesn't it? Alas, it isn't a horror story as much as it is my story. Somehow, someway, I have to get this big ol' dog piss and shitsicle (I think that is an actual Popsicle flavor) off of the patio and into the yard where we'll let it melt then sift out the turds with a rake, not unlike a demented Zen Rock Garden.

I am actually hoping, like a glacier, it starts to move and slides off into our neighbor's yard. They have about 50 little yapping dogs. Imagine their surprise when the snow melts to find dog shits the size of their dogs?! Goddamn that would be hilarious to watch! I can hear it now "Honey, what the HELL are you feeding the dogs?" I do have to admit their dogs are fun to watch. Last summer, there were three of them barking at the fence and when the teenage son came out to make 'em stop, they (the dogs) got so worked up the all stopped and started fucking each other! Like some wild chihuahua bi-curious orgy! Of course the teenage was mortified and I was laughing my ass off. I made some "train" comment to the kid, but I don't think he found it funny. But, I digress. We're talking about my dilemma, which is a dog shit filled nightmare.

Supposed to be 50 degrees on Tuesday...well, at least it will be poop-soup and not a turdsicle anymore.